2009...

It has been quite a while since I last updated my blog. It's almost 2010. For the past year, there have been many things happening in my life. There were things that made me truly happy and of course there were also things that made me hurt.I have faced a lot of things in the past year, which I think one has to face, to grow older and be more mature.

I am writing this with a huge pain in the heart. I myself am not sure the reason for this. Hormonal imbalance, as my mom used to say. Perhaps.

This year started with a big joy, for me as usual. I was very happy with the beginning of a new year, with many New year Resolutions. My dad brought me a Firefox Lerun bycicle. I liked it, and still like it. i love it actually. But, being a homo sapiens, we will never be satisfied with what we have. Right?

After a few months using it, I was aiming higher. A car. Yep. But that's ok. We just dream of having many things. Its normal. Then, looking at a few friends of mine having bought cars, jealousy came. Say hi to Mr Jealous

Hi Mr Jealous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has been one of the greatest contributor to my pain in the heart. It did not stop there. Looking at my friends appearance, the clothes they wear, the watches, the glasses, the cell phones, oh god i could not bear those things. How can someone better than me? How can someone richer than me? Not logical, in my mind at least. I spent a lot of money on clothes, anything actually, just to make sure I don’t feel inferior in front of my friends. I wanted people to say, “ wow, that’s abuzar we’re talking about.”, “Waa.. so expensive lar ur shirt.. u look nice”. Although somehow, there were those kinds of comments, I was not satisfied.

Mr Greed came. Say hi to Mr. Greedy.

Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

This fellow said to me to buy more, compete with those filthy rich friends of mine. So, now you know why I was always feeling a bit sad, throughout this year. These two friends of mine really cost me my happiness. What a wasteful year.

Just for the info, Mr abuzar was used to be a happy person, a truly happy person. Why? Ouh my heart was full, almost full with Quranic verses, I did not have the time to getting jealous of people. It was simply not there. The only thing that made me feel uneasy was people getting higher marks than me. I will always make sure that I study the hardest, the smartest among all my friends. Taking exams with calm, I would let God to decide my marks, and whatever they were, the first thing that came out from my mind would be “Alhamdulillah”. If the results were not that satisfying, I would restructure my study plans, it always worked. Always.

Now I realize, that we should live within our limits. Always be grateful. We should not be ashamed of ourselves living within our limits. We should be proud of it. Why? We are realistic people. We are happy people. We don’t owe much to others. Is not that the true happiness-able to live in peace in the mind, without have to think about money before going to sleep ? I am very lucky I realized this now for I might forget what happiness was all about.

I wear Cheetah’s and I am grateful for it.

I wear Casio watch and I am grateful for it.

I wear Power shoes and I am grateful for it.

I do not have a car and I am grateful I have legs.

But I don’t have Iman, and I am going to make sure I get it soon, for that is the true happiness.

I used to say to myself that by the age of 30, I must have a Ferrari F430, I bungalow in Jalan Bakam, a happy family, a Mercedez-Benz, and there goes the never ending list…

Last week, I almost ended up in the luxurious Barzakh world. My family planned went to Explanade, a beautiful beach in Miri. Beside the beach, there is a small river where we bathed. What a family vacation. My dad and Osman put a net a gainst the river current. These two are the kaki pancing of my family. Samra was with me, and Salman and Hamra too. Mom was sitting besides the river and reading her favourite newspaper-The Borneo Post. And just before we packed our things up, we decided to jump in the river. Little we know that this was going to be a terrible experience for my family. Holding each other’s hand, My mom, Salman, Osman, Hamra, and me myself jumped into the river. We plan to just jump within the first feet from the river bank. How deep could it be? It was less than a feet deep, and it was not really a river. I was just I don’t know… It was shallow. And there we go, my mom slipped and falls into the river, and she got panicked. I swam near her and tried to bring her to the shore. I failed. I tried again, this time, I swam to and rest my feet on the ground of the river, while holding my mom and tried to push her to the shore. I tried this three times, the the third time, it was a success.I was in the water for quite a long time, for my mother pushed me down to lift herself- an involuntary action every person will do from getting drowned. I could not hold my breath anymore, and no matter how calm I was in the water, I might drowned myself, together with my mom but luckily God saved us. My dad was trying to save me and he was behind me, and Abu Bakar started crying, because I was in the water for a long time. Later Abu Bakar said he thought I was dead.

And this is one of the reason I will not buy a house, let alone a bungalow in Jalan Bakam since Jalan Bakam faces Explanade, the place where I almost get drowned. I am still in trauma. My mom don’t want to think about this thing. She is trying to forget about this whole thing.

I realized a lot of things from this experience. What is the most important thing in life? Money? CGPA? Cars? The most important thing in this world is Iman.

I am promising myself that I will be a lot happier next year. I will be calmer, more hardworking and I will not let people or things to make me down. I am an independent person, who tries to obey God while at the same time, trying to taste success in this world.

2010, here I come!